Thoughts of Craziness Pt. 1

As many of you who actually read this tumblr, maybe the one or two of you, I am rather crazy sometimes, and this is going to be one of those times where I just get out everything that is going on in my head out in hopefully one lump sum of craziness. I am sorry if 98% of it is incoherent for those who don’t know me IRL, but that is just the way it goes, I am a very wary about what I post online and where. Just that kinda gal I guess. Enough with the introduction to this post let us get on shall we.

As some know I have just recently started a new relationship with someone, and while things are going good between the two of us there is just stuff that still urks, yes I just used that word, about us dating right now. Some of it is the fact that said individual just got out of a semi-serious relationship I would say probably about 12 hours before we became officially a couple. Some of it truthfully is the fact even though I know I can trust this person, I am not sure to what degree yet. See I am a very cautious girl when it comes to trusting people, hence why some of this post will not make any sense to some people. I have been hurt in the past for being too trusting, and I don’t want that to happen again. While yes I do truly care about this person and really do want to have a serious and steady relationship with said person, I have to know fully that I am able to fully trust in person of interest. 

This all leads me to my second reason for writing this post tonight here on Tumblr instead of on say FB, I have the nasty habit of FB stalking people and the stalking today happened to be my newly found significant other. Oh how it is so nice to be able to stalk someone and not have them know that it is you, hey fuck you if you think that maybe a little creeper-ish its just the way I am. Anyways, while I was stalking said person, I came across a note that was written by my partner less than 14 hours ago to the most recent ex. The basic gist of the note is the fact that my significant other is not looking for a long-term relationship, which btw is kind of what I am looking for. This right here poses one problem, another thing is that it says that person would drop anything to have most recent ex back. All this while I am being told to my face that I am the best that has ever happened to my partner, and that my partner cares about me a lot, and ya da ya da ya da. What the fucking fuck? I know that things weren’t going to best for them, but for that to be said via FB but to my face I get told the opposite, who the fuck do I believe? 

Ok on to the next subject since I don’t really feel like putting more about that on here, some know that I have recently moved, yes? Well things are going decent on where I moved to, finally found a job even if it is less than minimum wage and I don’t get tipped for shit. That is a moot point. I have been staying with a couple friends since moving, and I am incredibly grateful for their support in my move and with giving me a place to temporarily stay, I have just been getting this feeling that I am to some degree overstaying my welcome here, and honestly I have no place else to go. How the fuck and I to get my feet on the ground, if I can’t even come up with the money to be able to have say ~$1200 to even get a small 1 bedroom apartment? It is im-fucking-possible to do. Again this could all just be the craziness going on in my head all the time now with HRT, moving, new job, everything going crazy right now, but this is all just a portion of the shit going on in my head at this very moment. I wonder how my head doesn’t explode from all the shit going on. 

Anyways, I have to sign off of here now, and hopefully get a couple hours of sleep before having to go to work tomorrow, and put up with more bullshit.

=3 Autumn

Gender

Very well said even for it being kind of a duh moment

madisonkacy:

Being male, is physical

Being female, is physical

Being a man, is mental

Being a woman, is mental

This is how I understand transgenders, and why they are that way. It’s not a choice-it’s who they are. Who you are isn’t, who you are physically.

Just my thoughts :)

Day 3: 30 Day Challenge

Woohoo I made it to day 3, roughly 10% of the way through. Let us get started shall we.

3) Have you ever been outed

I have been outed once or twice. One of the times they didn’t say anything to me about it at the time, I was just told through a friend that works at the place that they, “Don’t feel comfortable hiring a trans individual to work for them”. The other time was actually earlier today when I went to a job interview at Subway. The manager asked me about it and I told him that yes I am trans and that I prefer to go by Autumn and female pronouns. I got the job and he is fully understanding about me being trans and basically told me that if anyone there has an issue with it to take it up with him. :D

=3 Autumn

Day 2: 30 Day Trans Challenge

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why

As you all know by now, I chose the name Autumn Danielle Raine, as my new name. I will go step by step on how I got to this name by basically just making a list of each part then bringing it all together at the end.

Autumn - I chose Autumn as my first name because well, for one it is the name I have identified with for a long time even before fully knowing that I was trans. I was using the name Autumn back when I played Everquest and even when I played Second Life. So it was only fitting that I chose this as my new first name for the transition.

Danielle -  Don’t really have a long drawn out story on Danielle other than that I find it a beautiful name and that it is fitting to use it as my middle name.

Raine - For those of you that knew me before the transition you know that I have been using this surname for awhile now. I’ve been using this since I started working on the Android OS and thus it transferred over when I chose my female name.

That is the basic gist of how I came to my full female name, that and one wicked morning on a LSD trip right after I started my transition and had an entire conversation with my female self.

=3 Autumn Danielle Raine

30 Day Trans Challenge

1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you

Let’s see, when did I finally realize that I was trans… For one it is something that I have known since I was a little kid, but at the time I didn’t understand what being trans was. I just knew that I was a woman stuck in a mans body. It wasn’t until I was roughly 16 or 17 when I found out about transgender and GID (Gender Identity Disorder). At the time I was still in denial on the outside and on the inside about it. Fast forward 5-6 years and now I am a proud transwoman.

=3 Autumn

Fuck Mormons

Yeah you read that title correct, Fuck Mormons. If you are Mormon or affiliated with LDS you can go fuck yourself also. How the fuck can you justify in your own fucking heads the pure and utter bullshit that you utter daily about gays, lesbians, and transgendered people? You can sit there and say that it is perfectly OK for someone to practice polygamy, but not something they were born with? Fuck you.

Really are you that fucking backwards? Lets see Utah, the state where the LDS “church” is headquartered is one of the highest in teen suicide, and what do they do? Sit there and preach that its better to be dead than gay. I repeat this again FUCK YOU!

They sit there behind their tax exempt status, yet donate millions if not billions to take away basic civil rights from HUMAN BEINGS, they do all this while not paying a single fucking tax, hell their members get tax rebates for giving to a political “church”. You know what that is? FUCKING ILLEGAL! That IT IS ALRIGHT TO BE GAY! That IT IS ALRIGHT IF YOU ARE BORN GAY!

Again I say this and will say it until the very day I die as an old woman, FUCK MORMONS!

Edit: I personally don’t give a shit if you are a Mormon and are laughing at me. This is my little piece of the internet and if you don’t like what I post on here you can go and fuck yourself and fuck off.

July 1, 2011

Today was a huge day for me. This will be a day I will always remember, I can guarantee you that. The hugely monumental thing that took place today is something that I have been wanting to start for the past 22 years of my life. Today I started HRT, also known as Hormone Replacement Therapy. *Claps*

I am starting out with taking 2mg of Estrofem and 25mg of Spirotone daily, with more than likely moving up to 50mg of Spirotone in a week. 

I really don’t know what else to say about it, except that I can’t believe that I have finally started HRT, 

Please stay tuned for more information while I am going through this transition. I hope that using this platform will help other transfolk with information about transitioning.

 <3 Autumn

Rant: How Can People Be So Close-Minded?

This right here is a rant. I have been thinking about this rant and how to phrase everything since last Thursday when the incident occurred. I am not sorry for anyone’s feelings I may hurt with this rant. It is something that I must get off my chest per se. So sit back, enjoy a glass of absinthe (or whatever your drink of choice is) and continue on reading.

If you have read my last post, you would know that there was a conversation that took place, behind my back, about me in particular, but I personally feel it involves more than just me it involves everyone who is transgender or even gender queer (looks toward my favorite Pisces friend as she tweaks because of this mention). It is the issue of not only which bathroom someone is comfortable to go into, but of being transgender in general. While I was not there when this was said, I have heard from a couple reliable sources that this was said. The gist of what was said is that I, as being a transwoman, am an abomination, and that I should not be allowed to transition in public. SO WHAT AM I TO DO? SIT THERE AND BE ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE JUST LIKE YOU? 

Should all transgendered HUMANS have to sit there and just be completely miserable that we were born in the wrong body? What is so wrong to you people with the fact that for the first time in my life I honestly don’t feel like hurting myself or others? Is this actually America in 2011? 

How would you like it if I said I wasn’t comfortable with you being overweight and being ugly? Oh wait a minute you would sit there and say you were born that way. WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH I WAS BORN THIS WAY! I WAS BORN A WOMAN IN A MAN’S BODY! Going through this transition for me, is like if you decided to get off your fat ass and workout and diet. You would be doing something that betters you, and I am doing something that makes me a better person. As I stated above this past month or so that I have been open about my transition has honestly been one of the best times of my life. You have no idea how many times I have honestly thought about killing myself do you? NO YOU DON’T! 

Here let me share a little story with you, if I may, I’m 15 years old and know that something is wrong with me. I don’t fit in with the rest of the boys at my high school, I just plain don’t have the same interests as the rest of them do. I get teased day in and day out about the fact that I am a loner, and thus must be gay. I don’t speak up, thus making the teasing and bullying worse and worse. So what do I do? I decided to take a bottle of pills. Shortly there after I remember being in the back of an ambulance, and waking up in the hospital. Want to know why I decided to try and take my life that day? Its because of close-minded people like you. That is why teenage suicide rates are so high, especially among the LGBTQ teenagers. It’s because of the hate that you imbue on your children that things in this country never get better for minorities, and yes I believe that people within the LGBTQ community should have equal protections and civil rights. 

I am so done wasting my time and energy on the naysayers out there when it comes to my life, I am going to live my life for me and for the people out there that support me in what I am doing. I love all you guys for being there for me. You have no idea how awesome it is for me to have some of you as friends. If it wasn’t for you I do not think I would have to strength right now to be able to go through something that I know I must go through to make myself not only a better person, but who I truly am.

Autumn Raine